Where are you on the global fat scale?

Apparently, pretty high.  Go here: http://www.bbc.com/news/health-18770328#G2A30H1.61W51.26C169. You plug in your info like age, sex, height, weight, country, and it tells you where you fall in terms of weight/height in comparrison to the whole world.

Here's a screen cap featuring what it said about me.

Above average.  Yep.  That's about half the list of countries, btw.  It goes down farther but I couldn't cap it all.  So I'm fatter than 65% of people in my country and fatter than 95% of people in the world.  That feels good.  NOT.  

Merry Christmas to me.

Holidays suck for ppl with an ED.

Thanksgiving blows. Like, hard.  I ate so much and couldn't purge bc of all the people around and I just feel like SHIT.  I want to go vegetarian again bc eating meat is horrible and disgusting and inhumane, but it tastes too good, so whatever.  I ate a bunch of dark meat turkey (the unhealthiest kind), about a pound of stuffing (no kidding), cups of cranberries, three bowls of mashed potatoes, corn, beans, five rolls and a slice of buttered bread, pumpkin pie, Apple pie, raisin pie, cherry pie, whipped topping, and ice cream.... I felt like absolute CRAP afterwards and all I wanted to do was purge, but it was impossible.  And next comes Christmas, then comes New Years, and OMG I cannot do this.  Holidays are miserable for people with an ED.  MISERABLE.  

Height: 5'3"

Current weight: 165.6

Goal weight 1:  150

Goal weight 2:  135

Goal weight 3:  120

Goal weight 4:  110

Goal weight 5:  105

Goal weight 6:   99

Goal weight 7:   91

Goal weight 8:   86

Goal weight 9:   82

Goal weight 10: 79

Ultimate goal w: 72

Reason: bc when I was 5'5" I was down to 83 and now that I'm 5'3", 72 would be the equal to 1 lbs less than my lowest weight/height ratio. 

I wonder how long it will take to lose more than half of my body weight.

Obesity, for real.

Well, there is is, all.  I've managed to gain 30 lbs in a month and I'm exactly 5 little pounds from being obese.  I don't even kno how the fuck this happened.  One minute, I was getting close to 135, my first goal, and the next second, I was over 160.  Like, it literally happened like that.  I am fat.  Seriously, clinically, diagnosably FAT.  I am always sweaty and out of breath, I am unfit, unhealthy, unloveable, unloved.  I don't even blame anyone.  Especially ppl here bc they actually saw me balloon up in a matter of DAYS, literally.  How gross it must have been!  It was def gross for me!!

I went to the dr on Friday bc I had a bad pain in my shin that wouldn't go away.  Of course, they check ur BP (160/99, high as fuck), they also did a cholesterol test for some reason (my bad cholesterol is super high), then they did height (5 fuckin' 3 bc I somehow shrunk two fucking inches, wtf????), and weight (164.5, FAT).  BMI 29.1 (for your info, obese starts at 30).

So the doc breaks out one of those height/weight charts and a BMI chart and shoves them in my face.  I'm like, ok.  And he shows me where I am on each chart.  Fat.  Obviously.  He goes into the risks of being overweight, 

Hypertension

Diabetes

Heart problems

Lung problems

Etc

Etc

And THEN, he points to where an obese person my height would be.  Slightly above me.  And goes into THOSE risks.  He looks at me like I'm some kind of wounded animal; sad, sorry, and yet disgusted.  He is, of course, about 5'10 and 180 lbs of muscle and lean.  Probably never struggled with weight a day in his goddamn life.  

So I tell him I used to be half of what I weigh and two inches taller.  Idk why.  It kinda came out.  And he says, you need to find a happy medium.  No shit.  Fuck you.  

He offered to set me up with a counselor and a nutritionist but fuck no, I have no insurance and I can't afford that!! I can't even afford that appointment I went to but I ended up having to go bc the pain was so bad.  So he gave me a stupid food pyramid and some guidelines for eating for healthy weight loss and a pamphlet about good self-talk for positivity.  

Fuuuuuck.

Oh. And it turns out, my shins are just suffering bc I'm a fat load and there's too much weight on them. FML.

Y do guys always always talk ab what color underwear we r wearing and sex?  God damn it.

I may as well give up.

It's 11pm eastern time.  Today I've binged twelve times, purged ten of those times.  I've drank three bottles of wine and I've done a little blow.  Just a little.  Oh. And I hate myself. A lot.  

But I've lost weight.  Not a lot, but a little.  I'm nearing 135, but since I don't work out or tone up, I still look like a huge whale fatt ass.  I need to do something about that.  I really do.  

I fucked a college guy, just because I could.  It wasn't good and he wasn't that cute.  I was high and I didn't care.  Still don't.  He keeps calling me.  It's like, fuck off, we were a one night stand, kid.  

I've tried contacting my favorite cousin and a formerly close friend and neither one of them want anything to do with me.  What do you do when someone won't even give you a chance to prove you can be a different person, that you've changed?  I'm really messed up about it.  I just want them to talk to me.  

I lost my Starbucks job (let's just say they don't approve of employees snatching and binge/purging on their pastries in the bathroom) and cheer coach doesn't pay the bills.  I'm living in someone's closet right now, I'm not even kidding.  I live in a closet.  People do this in NYC, in case you didn't know.  It's weird and stuff, but it happens.  It's happening right now, to me, and I'm paying 650 a month.  To live in a closet. And that's hella cheap for NYC.  I still can't afford it.  It's only a matter of time before I get kicked out of here, too.  Then what?  

I just want to go back to eight years ago.  Everything was good.  Everything was perfect.  Now, life sucks.  And I'm tired of living it.

Tallies

Crescent rolls: 8

Waffles: 10

Sticks of butter: 4

Banana muffins: 2

Fudge covered wafers: 36

Jumbo iced honey buns: 3

Servings of noodles with butter: 4

Caloric total: ?????

This is from 4-5pm, people.

I threw it all up.

Thank you, thank you. ::bows::

Who Doesn't LOVE Donuts!??

Last night, 3am, me and a half dozen donuts. Mmmmmmm!

They are, from the top, left to right, old fashioned, glazed, chocolate sprinkles.  From the bottom, left to right, key lime, boston creme, vanilla sprinkles.  

I binged hard on those babies.  It was totally almost a sexual experience, it was THAT good.  Those of u who have never binged before will have no idea what I'm getting at. But those of u who have, I KNOW u get me ;-)

Then, I purged.  That felt good, too, because GUILT FREE DONUT EATING, BABY!!! :-D

I'll update more later.  With some life stuff.  I gotta go.

And here I am again.

And I promised I would stop doing this shit.

That's about 5,000 calories for round one.  At least I'm purging again.

July 19, 2014

I simply want to die now.

July 16, 2014

So far today looks like this:

9am, woke up, tried to jog, got winded bc I'm obese, binged on toast and butter, microwave pancakes with powdered sugar, oatmeal raisin cookies, and snickers bars.

12pm, job interview, lunch with an ex-boyfriend, stopped by a local bakery and bought two dozen donuts and cheesecake, binged on that, finally managed to purge (hooray?), took a nap.

3pm, woke up, binged on a box of hashbrowns, a box of oatmeal creme pies, a box of glazed honeybuns, and more snickers bars, managed to purge about 1/2.

5pm, job interview, dinner with old friend from NYU, just got back from buying 1/2 off cake slices (2), pecan rolls, more hashbrowns, biscuits, and Hershey's cookies n cream bars.  Guess I'll start that binge soon.  Hopefully I can purge it though... 

I need to try to jog again... Wasn't even real hot today, it's just that I'm so out of shape.  Can't believe I used to run 7-10 miles a day, everyday... God, I wish I could get that back.

For now, I'm sitting in front of the tv looking at the stash of binge food I just bought, thinking of how insane it is that I have no real job and I'm spending so much money on food... Jesus fucking Christ.  My life is upside down.  Is there even anything I can do about it anymore? 

Help.

Death

I think I'm dying. Like, not in a traditional way. But I think I'm so depressed and so not-caring that I'm just slowly dying.  First, I'm dying inside and then I'm going to die outside.

I recently found old pictures of me.  Mostly pictures of me when I wasn't in the low-lows of my eating disorders, but when I was definitely still IN them.  I was maybe 110 lbs (I was 5'5" back then) and I was smiling and happy, slim and confident.  These were from maybe the years 2002 to 2006.  I remember being happy.  

It's gotten me so depressed tho.  Like, why can't I get back there? Why can't I at least eat healthily, lose just a little weight, get a regular job, pay my bills, have a few good friends to talk to.... Why?? I've tried contacting an old friend from this time, a guy I talked to online and lied to, and who was maybe my best friend, and I've tried contacting my cousin, who I lied to, stole pictures and life stories, college essays and experiences from and pretended they were my own... I've tried apologizing to them both so many times... They just can't accept my apology.  Mostly, they don't even reply.  I know I hurt them both, but it's been like five years... Can't I be forgiven? Can't I be friends with them again and have close friends to talk to and laugh with? Why can't I have them in my life again?  Why can't they let me in?  

I've tried getting jobs, but everything is a dead end and I never hear from these places again.  I've applied for admin assistant positions at dental offices, daycare centers, doctors offices, social services, lawyers offices, and more!  I am holding down a barista right now and I coach a cheerleading team during the school year, but in NYC, these don't pay the bills.  I need a real, honest to god, business like job.  No one will take me.

I live in a small one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, complete with bars on the windows and the occasional gunshot heard at night, with a roommate.  I sleep on the pull out couch and she sleeps in the bedroom.  We share a bathroom and a small kitchen, no dining room.  The apartment is small, dark, dirty in a way that cannot be cleaned, but the rent is outrages simply bc it's NYC.  We really need to take on another roommate, but we don't have room.  Where would he/she sleep?  In the bath tub?  I miss my old NYC apartment.  Midtown Manhattan, one bedroom, one bath, a living room, full kitchen, dining area, large floor to ceiling windows, clean, beautiful, large ...all to myself.  It was safe and beautiful.  It was professionally decorated and bright and happy.  I was happy.  Now I'm depressed.  How can I be happy in this dank apartment in the projects where I don't even have a real bedroom?  

I'm planning a binge today.  I have two job interviews (one at a college and another at a gym) and then I'm stopping by the convenience store to buy some biscuits and butter, some chocolate snack cakes, a couple of chocolate bars, some sugarcookies and vanilla icing, and some waffles or pancakes.  Then I'll eat all of it in one fell swoop.  

Then, I'm going to try to purge today.  

I've got to get SOMETHING back.  It's not going to be the starving, it's not going to be the friends, it's not going to be the job, it's not going to be the apartment.  Maybe it can be the puking.  Maybe then I'll have something.

Something Different

Well, I decided that I should post something different Than just the large and disgusting quantities of food I binge eat. I like reading other things on people's blogs and would get sick of ONLY binge pixs, so I should do something different, too, for the two or so people who actually read this mess.

Well, I had a terrible stomach ache, dizziness, and headache yesterday and this morning I had to go to the doctor.  I found out that I am 5'3.75" (why the hell do I keep shrinking???) and I weigh almost 170 lbs.  That was a tough pill to swallow.  Prior to this ridiculous weight gain, my high weight was 135-140.  This is a huge difference.... I'm not even sure what to do.  Do I cry? That's pointless.  Do I kick and scream? What's the going to do anyway?  Do I blame my mother for not loving me enough? That's really not going to fix anything.  Do I blame my father for not being around? Pointless, too.  Kill myself? Maybe.

But clearly, I am unable to get passed this on my own.  Want to know what I really wanted to do?  I wanted to come home and stuff my face with every sweet thing in the apartment, every buttery morsel in the house, every single thing I wanted and more.  That's what I wanted to do.  

Uh.  Clearly, THAT is not going to fix me!  I want to get skinnier, not fatter.

I was so embarrassed standing there on the scale while the numbers read 167.8.  A red flashing warning.  FAT!  FAT!  FAT!  And the nurse there, with my comprehensive files that have traveled with me, specifying that I have suffered anorexia-bulimia and have been severely underweight and significantly malnourished, and that I am a high risk patient who may well starve or barf herself to death.  And she's looking at someone who is about 40 lbs overweight surely thinking, "do I have the wrong file?"  

No, honey, you're right.  That's me.  From 0-1,000 in no time flat, self-destructing in every way possible, I've got to try them all.  Starve to death, puke to death, cut to death, eat to death... I guess I can't decide.  But no.  That file IS me.  5'5" 84 lbs to 5'3.75" 168 lbs.... That's me.

The doctor asked me if I used to be anorexic. He said he read it in my file and and just wanted to double check.  He said, "I see you've gotten over that."  Yeah.  I guess I have.  The implication was pretty clear there.

He warned me about my weight and reminded me that while being underweight is dangerous, so is being overweight, and "it isn't healthy to swap one extreme for another."  I could have died.  He asked me what my diet is like and I told him basically what I eat when I'm not binging.  I added that I "sometimes overeat."  I know I should have told the whole truth, but I was just so embarrassed. God.  It was awful...

He told me he would like to see me about fifteen pounds thinner.  I'd like to see me fifty pounds thinner.  But the numbers just keep going up.  I bet he will see me fifteen pounds fatter the next time... 

I'm so scared.  I don't like what's happening to me or how depressed I am or how much I want to die. And I have no one.  No one to talk to, no one to care, no one to go to... I literally have no one.  I want to lose weight so badly, but why can't I?  Why do I sabotage myself and lie to myself and get weak under pressure?  Why isn't this easier?  It was easier ten years ago.  

I've let myself go and I really feel like there's no getting it back.... I'm terrified.

Dollar Store Binge!

Today's binge is brought to you by the Dollar Store.  Let's have a look, shall we? 

Hostess cakes, fake golden oreos, fake samoa girls cout cookies, plus lots of bread and butter first (as a main course, not pictured).

Fuck.

My.

Life.

I.

Suck.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Today's (second) binge was brought to you by the little local food mart down the street from my apartment!

1 loaf of honey bread with loads of butter

12 apple cinnamon muffins with butter

8 oatmeal creme pies

1 loaf cinnamon raisin bread with cashew butter (not pictured)

Binge #1 was totally unplanned and brought to you by my roommate's side of the pantry :/  oops...

I am up to about 15,000 calories today and you know what they say-- 3,500 calories is one pound gained. Guess that's +5 lbs for me... Here I come, obesity! On the fast train!

Sigh.

Today's Unholy Feast

Get ready. Bc this is what today consisted of:

4 buttermilk biscuits piled sky high with butter and six Little Debbie Boston Creme Cakes for dessert.

So much butter! I am disgusting!

Chocolate cake with vanilla frosting.

Lemon cake with whipped cream lemon icing.

This, on top of regular meals.  

I don't really have anything else to say today, it's too depressing.

Buttermilk Biscuits, OMG! I HATE YOU!

Soooo THIS happened about twenty minutes ago.

I went to the grocery store just to buy some dog food and some fresh fruit. I SWEAR that was my only plan.

but then there were these four HUGE buttermilk biscuits on sale looking at me in the face like, EAT ME! EAT ME! 

So I bought them, a contiainer of butter, and some Little Debbie snack cakes (the new ones shaped like coral reefs or whatever). 

I brought them home, and I started buttering the biscuits after I heated them.  Then I starts thinking about that container of butter and I was like, well, what else will I use it for? And I figured nothing! So I used it ALL on the biscuits. Empty butter container here now.

Those biscuits... OMG I have never tasted anything so GOOD! Wow! It has been years since I ate real, honest to god biscuits and O M G .

Then I tackled the snack cakes.

OMG. I AM SUCH A FAT ASS.

This is happening right now.

Chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, cherry chocolate, and lemon. Every single one of them, after eating a dozen Hawaiian sweet rolls with butter.

Step on the scale, STEP OFF THE SCALE!

Stats:

Height: 5'4" (I shrunk an inch since last year. Great.)

Low Weight: 84 lbs

High Weight: current weight 

Current Weight: 167.2 lbs

Goal Weight 1: 150 lbs

Goal Weight 2: 140 lbs

Goal Weight 3: 125 lbs

Goal Weight 4: 120 lbs

Goal Weight 5: 115 lbs (Ultimate Goal Weight?)

I stepped on the scale today and had to get right back off. I couldn't believe what I saw! 167.2??? No fucking way! Stepped off, stepped back on, same numbers. Omfg.

I have to lose more than 50 pounds! Fifty pounds to even be a normal weight!!!!!

Ugh, I wish I was dead.  It seems so much more appealing than living in this body.

Cake.

Currently tackling this by myself :( HELP.

Help. Sinking.

Yesterday consisted of this:

Breakfast: sausage, egg n cheese biscuit, milk, OJ, hashbrown w cheese

Snack: apple n caramel

Lunch: turkey n cheese on white bread, baked potato with butter n sour cream, Pepsi, couple French fries

Snack: brownie bites

Dinner: spaghetti n meatballs, garlic bread, wine

Caloric total: about 2,000

This is acceptable for a female of my height.

BUT

The Binge: 

A box cake "baked" in the microwave, mixed with icing

Pierogis smothered in butter

Soft tacos stuffed with melted cheese

Bread n butter 

3 fun size Butterfingers bars

2 fun size baby Ruth bars

1 full size snickers bar

2 pbj uncrustables 

2 pretzel n nut granola bars

2 pbj granola bars

Macaroni salad

Cookie dough ice cream

Caloric total (binge only): about 5,000

Caloric total for the day: about 7,000

That's not as bad as it has been. But it's still over twice as much as I should have! It's almost three times as much! What am I doing to myself?? 

It's not even 10:30 and I've already had...

Breakfast: pancakes n sausage (400) with milk (180)

Chocolate chip cookies (800), icing (600), waffles with syrup and butter (600), bagels with strawberry and cinnamon cream cheese (800), toast with butter (300), and cinnamon rolls (1200)

That's close to 5,000 already! Not a great start considering that already over my limit! 

Fml.

Save me.

Survey bc I'm bored as hell

The Basics:
Name: Jackie
Age: 28
School: n/a
Nationality: Irish, German 
Hobbies: none to speak of

Love Life:
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no
Do you like someone?: maybe
Does anyone like you?: yes
Have you ever kissed anyone?: haha yes
Hugged anyone in the past week?: no

Friendships
Who is your best friend?: Megan 
Where did you meet them?: comm college b4 we dropped out
Did you lose any friends this year?: yes
Gain any?: yes
Meet a special friend?: yes
Did you hang out with any friends in the past week?: yes

New Years Eve
Did you do anything at midnight?: not rly, was still living w my parents
Who did you spend it with?: boring parents 
Did you have any resolutions?: lose weight

Valentines Day
Did you have a Valentine?: no
Did you send out any cards/chocolates/etc?: no
Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend on this day?: no

Summer
Did you go on vacation?: no, no $$
Did you hang out on the beach with friends?: I wish
How long was your summer break?: don't have one
Did you get a tan?: I will
Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend during the summer?: no

Halloween
Did you go trick or treating?: no
If so, who did you go with?: x
Did you dress up?: x 
Was it fun?: x

Christmas
Who did you spend it with?: parents, sister, brother
Did Santa come to your house?: no
Did you stay up until midnight on Christmas Eve? no

Your Birthday
Who did you spend it with?: honestly, no one
What did you do?: nothing ...sad bc no one remembered
What did you get?: nothing
When is it?: 6-8

Have You Ever: (Yes or No)
Kissed someone: y
Hugged someone: y 
Electricuted yourself: n
Climbed more than 60 feet: n
Made a Youtube video: n
Lied to a loved one: y
Had a nosebleed: y
Gotten airsick: n
Been so bored, you just ate food: yyyyyyyyy
Not brushed your teeth for a day: y,
Not showered for a day: y
Drank alchohol: y
Smoked: y
Tried drugs: y 
Had a pet: y 
Ran a marathon: n 
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend: y

5 Do’s
1. Do you play any instruments?: y
2. Do you play any sports?: used to cheer
3. Do you believe in 2012?: it's over.
4. Do you like cheese?: y
5. Do you honestly like Obama?: y

4 If’s
1. If you get $1 Million for breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, would you?: y
2. If you were to get $50,000 for killing a rat, would you?: y
3. If you were to choose between your best friend and your brother/sister, who would you choose?: BFF
4. If you were to choose between coke/pepsi or sprite/7up, which would you choose?: Pepsi, 7up

3 How’s
1. How old do you want to be when you get married?: Idc
2. How many siblings do you have?: 3
3. How did your last Christmas go? Eh

2 When’s
1. When did you have your first kiss?: 13
2. When did you last have a piece of cake?: yesterday

1 What
1. What would you say if the guy/girl you like right now kissed you? Thx

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write the sentence here: I am fifteen years old. And I weigh 302 pounds.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What’s there? Dresser

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Frazier 
4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 915
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 9:19
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? TV
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Yesterday, going to the grocery store
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? Blogger
9. What are you wearing? Pjs
10. Did you dream last night? Can't remember
11. When did you last laugh? Yesterday, but it was fake. They all are.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Nothing
13. Seen anything weird lately? All the time 
14. What do you think of FacebookCraze.com? Eh
15. What is the last film you saw? Frozen
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? Weight loss surgery/lipo
17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know: I have to get surgery on my knee
18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change? No hate
19. Do you like to dance? Yes
20. What do you think of the president? He cool
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Mathilda
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Henrich
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? Yes

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates? Fuck u

Triggering Photo (photo not included)

So, yesterday, my sister sent me a photo of myself when I was under 90 lbs and in treatment with an ng tube. I was very tiny (I was 16 and probably 5'3" bc I wasn't yet done growing and probably about 83 lbs), ng tube sticking out of my nose and rolled behind my ear, smiling and making a heart symbol with my very skinny, veiny hands at my own heart. I look very much like I have an eating disorder in this picture.  It is very obvious that I have an eating disorder. So my sister sent me this photo and with it, she wrote "Mom found this and wanted you to have it. She said it makes her sick to see how thin you once were, but that maybe it will make you feel better about how heavy you've gotten these past weeks. Love you!"

Um, wtf?? Sooooo I look disgusting, but maybe it can be a positive experience for me to look at it bc either A, it's better to be obese than emaciated OR B, maybe I can draw inspiration from it and not be fat anymore.  I'm not sure what my mom's intention was with that comment, but seriously WTF??? 

 NEVER send an eating disordered person who is sort of in recovery or who has just gained a bunch of weight a picture of themself at their absolute thinnest!  Seriously!! Common sense!! That is TRIGGERING!!! It's triggering even without the stupid comments, but even more so with them!! 

My mom is stupid for passing that on and my sister is stupid for actually doing it!

I am so mad and so so sad right now, I can't even type about it.  Now, I have this picture that I can't throw away bc my e.d. is like "keep it for motivation! you can do that again! you can get there again!" but I don't want to have it bc it makes me so so sad bc I'm so huge now and I was so tiny then.... So tiny.  

Just when you think it can't get worse, it goes ahead and gets worse.  People suck.

Fat Prejudice is Real

I went to another job interview yesterday. It was for a file clerk at a dental office in Manhattan. I felt prepared and I wore a nice outfit with nice shoes, everything fit, I looked nice.

When I got there, the woman at the front desk was this beautiful Italian looking woman, when she stood up, she was about my height and about 120 lbs. Perfect.

My interviewer was a tall slender blonde woman, also perfect.  The assistant who asked me a couple of questions was also very thin and beautiful.  In fact, no one in the office could have been over 130 lbs.  and they were all gorgeous.

Let me tell you, they looked at me, up and down, like I was a worthless piece of trash. I swear, their lips curled in disgust as they trailed their eyes over my visible rolls of fat (bc I can't help it! They show!) and even though I looked nice, clean, professional, and confident, all they saw was fat. 

They asked me questions like "do you take pride in your appearance?" "do you believe being healthy is important?" "do you exercise regularly?" Wtf, mostly the last one?? Why does that matter? I didn't apply to work at a gym! And then they thanked me for coming and said they'd call me.

They never even called so I called them and they told me they didn't think I fit in.  I didn't fit in with what? Their perfect, skinny appearance? Was my fat that disgusting? Am I that embarrassing?

Fat prejudice is for real and I felt it yesterday. I wish I could lose so much weight.

Terrible Binge

First I had the planned binge-- 25 snicker doodle cookies (pictured), two chocolate chip, one sugar, and one oatmeal raisin cookie with piles on piles of strawberry icing on each one. Then when that wasn't enough, I hit the unplanned stuff-- 12 dinner rolls heated up with butter smothered over and inside of them, club crackers with massive globs of butter, my roommate's mom's homemade banana and golden raisin nut bread, two loaves-- one with the rest of the strawberry icing and one just smothered in butter. I washed it down with two gallons of Edys ice cream (cheesecake and cake batter) and a bottle of wine.  

I'm guessing that's around 12,000 calories.

Why didn't I stop myself after two or three cookies? I was full after about five, so why not then? Why did I have to keep going and going and going? 

It was as if I wasn't in control of my actions. Like I was watching myself eat and eat and eat from the sidelines, yelling "no no no!" but still powerless to stop myself.  What is wrong with me???? What in gods name ins wrong with me.

Twelve years ago I was 90 lbs.

Ten years ago, I was 110 lbs and happier than ever living in a cool apt in manhattan.

Five years ago I was 125 and thought I was embarrassingly large.

Two years ago I was 140 and knew I was too big, even medically.

Today, I am 162.5 and approaching obesity fast.

Today I was I was 125 or 140, let alone 110 or 90! 

Today I hate myself more than ever and I etch it into my skin so that I can look the way I feel.

Today, I wish I was dead.

10 lbs To Required Inpatient, 15 lbs To Obesity

It seems like not so long ago, I was 10 pounds from a weight that would force me into inpatient treatment and tube feeding. That girl never would have imagined the fate that held her hand just a few years later.

I am now 15 pounds from being classified as open obese person.  I have never been this fat in all of my life. I am almost twice at fat as I needed to be to get tube fed.  I am a beast and a monster and I have no control. 

I veer from one extreme to the next, effortlessly.  I go from starving myself half to death to entering the world of obesity, two extremes, two very different worlds owned by the same demon- E.D.

The girl who was once ten pounds from tube feeding would laugh at this girl. Laugh at her lack of control, her fat body, her lost mind, her weakness. That girl never would have thought, not ever, that this would happen. She would have died before this happened.

Now, she just wants to die.  She wants to stop eating but she can't, ever, even when she tries so hard.  If she can't stop eating, she wants to start puking, but she can't seem to do that right either.  The girl who would rather die than be fat is beyond fat, almost obese now. And she doesn't know what to do to feel ok again.

I hate myself so much. I wish I could die.

And I Can't Stop.

I can't stop eating. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I literally cannot stop stuffing my face with shitfood. Donuts, cake, cookies, potato chips, buttered bread, butter by itself (I know! Like, wtf???), frozen desserts that I don't even unfreeze before I eat them, crackers with peanut butter, straight icing.... and anything else you can imagine! I CANT STOP!!! I don't know what to do because it's like I'm not even in control!

I have put on almost 20 pounds in the last two weeks, that is how much I am eating. I am to exaggerating AT ALL. I legit stood on the scale today and looked in my weight journal for the last time I weighed-- two weeks ago, and up nearly 20 pounds! Is that even possible????  What the fuck??? 

And, to add to this, why can't i puke anymore? Like, why won't I even try to?? It's like I've become someone I don't know anymore.... Someone weak and stupid and FAT. I can't deal. I hate this person.

I won't exercise either! I used to run seven miles a day! And now I'm too lazy to even walk a mile!  WHO IS THIS PERSON BC IT ISNT ME!!!!!!!  Am I dying? Am I admitting defeat? What the hell is going on with me? I need help....

I don't even know what help would look like. Would it be help getting treatment to get better? I have gone from one extreme (starving or puking) to another (stuffing my face all day) but one is no better than the other (at least I was thin when I was starving/puking). Would help be getting back to a life ever fasting? I can't seem to do it anymore no matter what I try or do.  Would help be puking again? At least then, all of hone shit I'm eating wouldn't stay inside of me. Would it be help dying or killing myself?

I don't know.

I just know I can't live like this anymore.

Living in This Body

It's hell. Pure hell. 

Where I used to have a stomach that caved in, I have a belly that hangs out.

Where I used to have protruding hip bones, I have nothing. Except fat.

Where I used to have ribs, front and back, I have extra skin and back fat.

Where I used to have thighs thinner than my knees, I now have basketballs.

Where I used to have arms thinner than my elbows, I have wingdings and dangly things.

Where I used to have collar bones and chest bones, I now have padding and fat cells.

I am 150 lbs.  I have never been this big EVER.  I can't stop eating.  I can't stop.

I don't want to live if it has to be in this body.  It's disgusting.

Hell.

New Me, New Blog.

First, for previous blog posts and to learn about my past struggles with depression, eating disorders, and mental illness, go here: http://porcelain-truth.livejournal.com. I used to be on LJ when everyone else was, but I think it's been like a decade since anyone has used LJ. I guess its time to update my life and my blog.

Second, the past doesn't always stay in the past. I'm still struggling with all of those things. It's different now than it was then, because mental illness is always morphing and changing. I'll summarize my story and why I'm here.

My name is Jackie and I'm about to be 28. Ive lived everywhere from England to NYC to PA to Minnesota to NJ to VA and whatever.  I was for sure the happiest I have ever been when I was living in NYC for college.  I was skinny, I was running everyday, I was living in this swank apartment in midtown, I was working at a restaurant for extra money, I was outgoing and had lots of friends and a family who still spoke to me.  My life has changed a LOT since then.  I've lied cheated, manipulated, and hurt the people closest to me over the past ten years and most of them have turned away from me. I'm kind of alone now. I'm fat, lonely, not outgoing, sad a lot, depressed, etc.  I'm not in love with my life like I was in 2005.  I'm not disclosing where I live currently, but let's just say its a place where I should be happy because it has a lot of similarities to NYC. I'm so not happy.

I'll talk a little about my past. I've had multiple eating disorders from the age of 11. I started as anorexic, but then I started binge eating and gained weight, so I started throwing up and became bulimic.  I was a mix of anorexic and bulimic for most of my life.  I went away to college in the middle of all of this bullshit and it got worse.  I went to treatment when I was 15, 17, 20, and 26.  I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18. 

I'm on medication for it, but it makes me foggy and fat, so sometimes I don't stay on it. Obviously, that's a problem, but for someone who has been struggling with bad body image for 17 years, gaining weight up to a weight higher than average (I'm currently overweight) is terrible and very scary.  

Oh, the other problem is that I binge eat. Like, a lot. And I don't puke anymore so it's just all leading to huge amounts of weight gain. So, add that to the list of my eating disorders. 

I've weighed everything from 80 lbs to 160 lbs and I am 5'4" tall (apparently, my eating disorder caused brittle bones and that made me shrink a whole fucking inch bc I used to be 5'5" fml).  My life is a wreck and I want out. I've attempted suicide a few times, but obviously I wasn't successful. I'm trying to get past that and believe that my life can be good again.  I just need to get skinnier and find cool people to be around, a cool job that I like, and a cool apartment in the city to live in.

I pretty much still want to kill myself every day.

Anyways, this is my life. Welcome to it.  Please follow me! I will follow back!