10 lbs To Required Inpatient, 15 lbs To Obesity

It seems like not so long ago, I was 10 pounds from a weight that would force me into inpatient treatment and tube feeding. That girl never would have imagined the fate that held her hand just a few years later.

I am now 15 pounds from being classified as open obese person.  I have never been this fat in all of my life. I am almost twice at fat as I needed to be to get tube fed.  I am a beast and a monster and I have no control. 

I veer from one extreme to the next, effortlessly.  I go from starving myself half to death to entering the world of obesity, two extremes, two very different worlds owned by the same demon- E.D.

The girl who was once ten pounds from tube feeding would laugh at this girl. Laugh at her lack of control, her fat body, her lost mind, her weakness. That girl never would have thought, not ever, that this would happen. She would have died before this happened.

Now, she just wants to die.  She wants to stop eating but she can't, ever, even when she tries so hard.  If she can't stop eating, she wants to start puking, but she can't seem to do that right either.  The girl who would rather die than be fat is beyond fat, almost obese now. And she doesn't know what to do to feel ok again.

I hate myself so much. I wish I could die.