Triggering Photo (photo not included)

So, yesterday, my sister sent me a photo of myself when I was under 90 lbs and in treatment with an ng tube. I was very tiny (I was 16 and probably 5'3" bc I wasn't yet done growing and probably about 83 lbs), ng tube sticking out of my nose and rolled behind my ear, smiling and making a heart symbol with my very skinny, veiny hands at my own heart. I look very much like I have an eating disorder in this picture.  It is very obvious that I have an eating disorder. So my sister sent me this photo and with it, she wrote "Mom found this and wanted you to have it. She said it makes her sick to see how thin you once were, but that maybe it will make you feel better about how heavy you've gotten these past weeks. Love you!"

Um, wtf?? Sooooo I look disgusting, but maybe it can be a positive experience for me to look at it bc either A, it's better to be obese than emaciated OR B, maybe I can draw inspiration from it and not be fat anymore.  I'm not sure what my mom's intention was with that comment, but seriously WTF??? 

 NEVER send an eating disordered person who is sort of in recovery or who has just gained a bunch of weight a picture of themself at their absolute thinnest!  Seriously!! Common sense!! That is TRIGGERING!!! It's triggering even without the stupid comments, but even more so with them!! 

My mom is stupid for passing that on and my sister is stupid for actually doing it!

I am so mad and so so sad right now, I can't even type about it.  Now, I have this picture that I can't throw away bc my e.d. is like "keep it for motivation! you can do that again! you can get there again!" but I don't want to have it bc it makes me so so sad bc I'm so huge now and I was so tiny then.... So tiny.  

Just when you think it can't get worse, it goes ahead and gets worse.  People suck.

And I Can't Stop.

I can't stop eating. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I literally cannot stop stuffing my face with shitfood. Donuts, cake, cookies, potato chips, buttered bread, butter by itself (I know! Like, wtf???), frozen desserts that I don't even unfreeze before I eat them, crackers with peanut butter, straight icing.... and anything else you can imagine! I CANT STOP!!! I don't know what to do because it's like I'm not even in control!

I have put on almost 20 pounds in the last two weeks, that is how much I am eating. I am to exaggerating AT ALL. I legit stood on the scale today and looked in my weight journal for the last time I weighed-- two weeks ago, and up nearly 20 pounds! Is that even possible????  What the fuck??? 

And, to add to this, why can't i puke anymore? Like, why won't I even try to?? It's like I've become someone I don't know anymore.... Someone weak and stupid and FAT. I can't deal. I hate this person.

I won't exercise either! I used to run seven miles a day! And now I'm too lazy to even walk a mile!  WHO IS THIS PERSON BC IT ISNT ME!!!!!!!  Am I dying? Am I admitting defeat? What the hell is going on with me? I need help....

I don't even know what help would look like. Would it be help getting treatment to get better? I have gone from one extreme (starving or puking) to another (stuffing my face all day) but one is no better than the other (at least I was thin when I was starving/puking). Would help be getting back to a life ever fasting? I can't seem to do it anymore no matter what I try or do.  Would help be puking again? At least then, all of hone shit I'm eating wouldn't stay inside of me. Would it be help dying or killing myself?

I don't know.

I just know I can't live like this anymore.