Life Update

It's been a long ass time!  I have a lot to update about. It's been over a year since I wrote!  Let's start with stats.

Height: (this one is a doozy cuz I have shrunk) 5'2"
Current Weight: 142.3
High Weight: 165, I think
Low Weight: 83 way back in the day

Short Term Goal: 135
Short Term Goal: 120
Long Term Goal: 110

Ultimate Goal: 100?

I am currently living in Florida with the family of an ex boyfriend who passed away.  I better ,elaborate on that.

Shortly after I made my last post, I got heavy back into drugs.  Hard core stuff like heroin and coke and ecstasy and intravenous stuff.  So I did that for a while and I actually lost a lot of weight like that without really trying.  I was down to 125 again.  But anyway, the big thing is that I got pregnant :/

And then my bf died from an overdose.  We had just found out so you can speculate about that just like I have been.  Anyway, he was estranged from his very religious, very strict, very Christian conservative family.  I was alone, strung out, out of money, and pregnant.  They offered to take me in in return for my getting sober.  They said they would pay for EVERYTHING.  Treatment AND aftercare, which can cost literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.  This was as long as I had the baby and kept it.  They would also watch the baby while I worked.  I would stay at their house rent free as long as I lived by their rules.

I had my son, Caden Micheal, on December 15.  I've been sober since I found out I was pregnant.

I wish I could say Caden changed my life and made me rethink my drug use and eating disorder.  That would be a lie.  I AM sober from drugs and alcohol cuz otherwise I'll be out on the street.  But I hate being a mom and I hate being trapped in this ludicrous house and working a dead end Walmart job.  I'm 30 years old and I feel like I'm 15.  It's awful.

But I'm getting the best alcohol/drug abuse treatment available on the planet and that will all go away if I leave.  So I stay.  I take good care of my son and I DO love him.  It's hard to explain.

I never had a childhood and I don't know how to give someone else a good one.  There are a lot of things in my life I would redo, but if I'm being honest, not all them are good.

- I'd get skinny again.  I want to lose 70-80 lbs.  I could do it, I know how.  But I can't risk it.
- I'd shoot up in a second if I could.  I miss being high.
- I'd go back to NYU and graduate.
- I'd make up with my cousin who I pissed off and risked our relationship.
- I'd go back to the times when I was skinny and happy and loved my life.

I had an enviable life, you know.  I lived in my own apartment in NYC; Manhattan. MIDTOWN, for Christ sake.  It was mine and it was huge and top floor and amazing.  I was going to NYU and had the opportunity to get one of the best educations available in the USA, but I flunked out and didn't have enough money to live in the city.  My parents cut me off Bc I wasn't going to school.

I was also in DEEP with my eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia.  I was back down to about 100 lbs and struggling big time.  I went to treatment, which my aunt and uncle paid for, completely.  They are amazing people and I messed things up with them too.

That was the end of my enviable life (you can read more about it in past journal entries, but if anyone is SERIOUSLY interested, you can reply and ask me to post more).  I've been messing up ever since.

So anyway, how I live now is closely watched and monitored by a family that isn't mine.  It's weird.  I'm working but it's min wage and horrible.  I'm taking care of my son.

I started throwing up again at the beginning of summer and I don't think the family noticed u til earlier this month.  They noticed because so much food was going missing... They know it's me, I'm pretty sure, but they don't know exactly what I do with it.  They know nothing about my eating disorders.

So I'm throwing up again.  It would be easier to just starve Bc then no one would notice u til I got super thin.  Food wouldn't be disappearing.  I wouldn't be in the bathroom with "stomach problems" for hours.  But for whatever reason, my chaos choose bulimia.  It's not forever.  It's just for now, u til I can get a grip.  Then I'll stop eating for a while.

I think that's all for now. Maybe I'll post a photo or two later.  Another time.  For now adios!

xoxo JB