Well, I had a terrible stomach ache, dizziness, and headache yesterday and this morning I had to go to the doctor. I found out that I am 5'3.75" (why the hell do I keep shrinking???) and I weigh almost 170 lbs. That was a tough pill to swallow. Prior to this ridiculous weight gain, my high weight was 135-140. This is a huge difference.... I'm not even sure what to do. Do I cry? That's pointless. Do I kick and scream? What's the going to do anyway? Do I blame my mother for not loving me enough? That's really not going to fix anything. Do I blame my father for not being around? Pointless, too. Kill myself? Maybe.
But clearly, I am unable to get passed this on my own. Want to know what I really wanted to do? I wanted to come home and stuff my face with every sweet thing in the apartment, every buttery morsel in the house, every single thing I wanted and more. That's what I wanted to do.
Uh. Clearly, THAT is not going to fix me! I want to get skinnier, not fatter.
I was so embarrassed standing there on the scale while the numbers read 167.8. A red flashing warning. FAT! FAT! FAT! And the nurse there, with my comprehensive files that have traveled with me, specifying that I have suffered anorexia-bulimia and have been severely underweight and significantly malnourished, and that I am a high risk patient who may well starve or barf herself to death. And she's looking at someone who is about 40 lbs overweight surely thinking, "do I have the wrong file?"
No, honey, you're right. That's me. From 0-1,000 in no time flat, self-destructing in every way possible, I've got to try them all. Starve to death, puke to death, cut to death, eat to death... I guess I can't decide. But no. That file IS me. 5'5" 84 lbs to 5'3.75" 168 lbs.... That's me.
The doctor asked me if I used to be anorexic. He said he read it in my file and and just wanted to double check. He said, "I see you've gotten over that." Yeah. I guess I have. The implication was pretty clear there.
He warned me about my weight and reminded me that while being underweight is dangerous, so is being overweight, and "it isn't healthy to swap one extreme for another." I could have died. He asked me what my diet is like and I told him basically what I eat when I'm not binging. I added that I "sometimes overeat." I know I should have told the whole truth, but I was just so embarrassed. God. It was awful...
He told me he would like to see me about fifteen pounds thinner. I'd like to see me fifty pounds thinner. But the numbers just keep going up. I bet he will see me fifteen pounds fatter the next time...
I'm so scared. I don't like what's happening to me or how depressed I am or how much I want to die. And I have no one. No one to talk to, no one to care, no one to go to... I literally have no one. I want to lose weight so badly, but why can't I? Why do I sabotage myself and lie to myself and get weak under pressure? Why isn't this easier? It was easier ten years ago.
I've let myself go and I really feel like there's no getting it back.... I'm terrified.
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