I may as well give up.

It's 11pm eastern time.  Today I've binged twelve times, purged ten of those times.  I've drank three bottles of wine and I've done a little blow.  Just a little.  Oh. And I hate myself. A lot.  

But I've lost weight.  Not a lot, but a little.  I'm nearing 135, but since I don't work out or tone up, I still look like a huge whale fatt ass.  I need to do something about that.  I really do.  

I fucked a college guy, just because I could.  It wasn't good and he wasn't that cute.  I was high and I didn't care.  Still don't.  He keeps calling me.  It's like, fuck off, we were a one night stand, kid.  

I've tried contacting my favorite cousin and a formerly close friend and neither one of them want anything to do with me.  What do you do when someone won't even give you a chance to prove you can be a different person, that you've changed?  I'm really messed up about it.  I just want them to talk to me.  

I lost my Starbucks job (let's just say they don't approve of employees snatching and binge/purging on their pastries in the bathroom) and cheer coach doesn't pay the bills.  I'm living in someone's closet right now, I'm not even kidding.  I live in a closet.  People do this in NYC, in case you didn't know.  It's weird and stuff, but it happens.  It's happening right now, to me, and I'm paying 650 a month.  To live in a closet. And that's hella cheap for NYC.  I still can't afford it.  It's only a matter of time before I get kicked out of here, too.  Then what?  

I just want to go back to eight years ago.  Everything was good.  Everything was perfect.  Now, life sucks.  And I'm tired of living it.