Terrible Binge

First I had the planned binge-- 25 snicker doodle cookies (pictured), two chocolate chip, one sugar, and one oatmeal raisin cookie with piles on piles of strawberry icing on each one. Then when that wasn't enough, I hit the unplanned stuff-- 12 dinner rolls heated up with butter smothered over and inside of them, club crackers with massive globs of butter, my roommate's mom's homemade banana and golden raisin nut bread, two loaves-- one with the rest of the strawberry icing and one just smothered in butter. I washed it down with two gallons of Edys ice cream (cheesecake and cake batter) and a bottle of wine.  

I'm guessing that's around 12,000 calories.

Why didn't I stop myself after two or three cookies? I was full after about five, so why not then? Why did I have to keep going and going and going? 

It was as if I wasn't in control of my actions. Like I was watching myself eat and eat and eat from the sidelines, yelling "no no no!" but still powerless to stop myself.  What is wrong with me???? What in gods name ins wrong with me.

Twelve years ago I was 90 lbs.

Ten years ago, I was 110 lbs and happier than ever living in a cool apt in manhattan.

Five years ago I was 125 and thought I was embarrassingly large.

Two years ago I was 140 and knew I was too big, even medically.

Today, I am 162.5 and approaching obesity fast.

Today I was I was 125 or 140, let alone 110 or 90! 

Today I hate myself more than ever and I etch it into my skin so that I can look the way I feel.

Today, I wish I was dead.

And I Can't Stop.

I can't stop eating. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I literally cannot stop stuffing my face with shitfood. Donuts, cake, cookies, potato chips, buttered bread, butter by itself (I know! Like, wtf???), frozen desserts that I don't even unfreeze before I eat them, crackers with peanut butter, straight icing.... and anything else you can imagine! I CANT STOP!!! I don't know what to do because it's like I'm not even in control!

I have put on almost 20 pounds in the last two weeks, that is how much I am eating. I am to exaggerating AT ALL. I legit stood on the scale today and looked in my weight journal for the last time I weighed-- two weeks ago, and up nearly 20 pounds! Is that even possible????  What the fuck??? 

And, to add to this, why can't i puke anymore? Like, why won't I even try to?? It's like I've become someone I don't know anymore.... Someone weak and stupid and FAT. I can't deal. I hate this person.

I won't exercise either! I used to run seven miles a day! And now I'm too lazy to even walk a mile!  WHO IS THIS PERSON BC IT ISNT ME!!!!!!!  Am I dying? Am I admitting defeat? What the hell is going on with me? I need help....

I don't even know what help would look like. Would it be help getting treatment to get better? I have gone from one extreme (starving or puking) to another (stuffing my face all day) but one is no better than the other (at least I was thin when I was starving/puking). Would help be getting back to a life ever fasting? I can't seem to do it anymore no matter what I try or do.  Would help be puking again? At least then, all of hone shit I'm eating wouldn't stay inside of me. Would it be help dying or killing myself?

I don't know.

I just know I can't live like this anymore.

Living in This Body

It's hell. Pure hell. 

Where I used to have a stomach that caved in, I have a belly that hangs out.

Where I used to have protruding hip bones, I have nothing. Except fat.

Where I used to have ribs, front and back, I have extra skin and back fat.

Where I used to have thighs thinner than my knees, I now have basketballs.

Where I used to have arms thinner than my elbows, I have wingdings and dangly things.

Where I used to have collar bones and chest bones, I now have padding and fat cells.

I am 150 lbs.  I have never been this big EVER.  I can't stop eating.  I can't stop.

I don't want to live if it has to be in this body.  It's disgusting.

Hell.

New Me, New Blog.

First, for previous blog posts and to learn about my past struggles with depression, eating disorders, and mental illness, go here: http://porcelain-truth.livejournal.com. I used to be on LJ when everyone else was, but I think it's been like a decade since anyone has used LJ. I guess its time to update my life and my blog.

Second, the past doesn't always stay in the past. I'm still struggling with all of those things. It's different now than it was then, because mental illness is always morphing and changing. I'll summarize my story and why I'm here.

My name is Jackie and I'm about to be 28. Ive lived everywhere from England to NYC to PA to Minnesota to NJ to VA and whatever.  I was for sure the happiest I have ever been when I was living in NYC for college.  I was skinny, I was running everyday, I was living in this swank apartment in midtown, I was working at a restaurant for extra money, I was outgoing and had lots of friends and a family who still spoke to me.  My life has changed a LOT since then.  I've lied cheated, manipulated, and hurt the people closest to me over the past ten years and most of them have turned away from me. I'm kind of alone now. I'm fat, lonely, not outgoing, sad a lot, depressed, etc.  I'm not in love with my life like I was in 2005.  I'm not disclosing where I live currently, but let's just say its a place where I should be happy because it has a lot of similarities to NYC. I'm so not happy.

I'll talk a little about my past. I've had multiple eating disorders from the age of 11. I started as anorexic, but then I started binge eating and gained weight, so I started throwing up and became bulimic.  I was a mix of anorexic and bulimic for most of my life.  I went away to college in the middle of all of this bullshit and it got worse.  I went to treatment when I was 15, 17, 20, and 26.  I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18. 

I'm on medication for it, but it makes me foggy and fat, so sometimes I don't stay on it. Obviously, that's a problem, but for someone who has been struggling with bad body image for 17 years, gaining weight up to a weight higher than average (I'm currently overweight) is terrible and very scary.  

Oh, the other problem is that I binge eat. Like, a lot. And I don't puke anymore so it's just all leading to huge amounts of weight gain. So, add that to the list of my eating disorders. 

I've weighed everything from 80 lbs to 160 lbs and I am 5'4" tall (apparently, my eating disorder caused brittle bones and that made me shrink a whole fucking inch bc I used to be 5'5" fml).  My life is a wreck and I want out. I've attempted suicide a few times, but obviously I wasn't successful. I'm trying to get past that and believe that my life can be good again.  I just need to get skinnier and find cool people to be around, a cool job that I like, and a cool apartment in the city to live in.

I pretty much still want to kill myself every day.

Anyways, this is my life. Welcome to it.  Please follow me! I will follow back!