Cake.

Currently tackling this by myself :( HELP.

Help. Sinking.

Yesterday consisted of this:

Breakfast: sausage, egg n cheese biscuit, milk, OJ, hashbrown w cheese

Snack: apple n caramel

Lunch: turkey n cheese on white bread, baked potato with butter n sour cream, Pepsi, couple French fries

Snack: brownie bites

Dinner: spaghetti n meatballs, garlic bread, wine

Caloric total: about 2,000

This is acceptable for a female of my height.

BUT

The Binge: 

A box cake "baked" in the microwave, mixed with icing

Pierogis smothered in butter

Soft tacos stuffed with melted cheese

Bread n butter 

3 fun size Butterfingers bars

2 fun size baby Ruth bars

1 full size snickers bar

2 pbj uncrustables 

2 pretzel n nut granola bars

2 pbj granola bars

Macaroni salad

Cookie dough ice cream

Caloric total (binge only): about 5,000

Caloric total for the day: about 7,000

That's not as bad as it has been. But it's still over twice as much as I should have! It's almost three times as much! What am I doing to myself?? 

It's not even 10:30 and I've already had...

Breakfast: pancakes n sausage (400) with milk (180)

Chocolate chip cookies (800), icing (600), waffles with syrup and butter (600), bagels with strawberry and cinnamon cream cheese (800), toast with butter (300), and cinnamon rolls (1200)

That's close to 5,000 already! Not a great start considering that already over my limit! 

Fml.

Save me.

And I Can't Stop.

I can't stop eating. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I literally cannot stop stuffing my face with shitfood. Donuts, cake, cookies, potato chips, buttered bread, butter by itself (I know! Like, wtf???), frozen desserts that I don't even unfreeze before I eat them, crackers with peanut butter, straight icing.... and anything else you can imagine! I CANT STOP!!! I don't know what to do because it's like I'm not even in control!

I have put on almost 20 pounds in the last two weeks, that is how much I am eating. I am to exaggerating AT ALL. I legit stood on the scale today and looked in my weight journal for the last time I weighed-- two weeks ago, and up nearly 20 pounds! Is that even possible????  What the fuck??? 

And, to add to this, why can't i puke anymore? Like, why won't I even try to?? It's like I've become someone I don't know anymore.... Someone weak and stupid and FAT. I can't deal. I hate this person.

I won't exercise either! I used to run seven miles a day! And now I'm too lazy to even walk a mile!  WHO IS THIS PERSON BC IT ISNT ME!!!!!!!  Am I dying? Am I admitting defeat? What the hell is going on with me? I need help....

I don't even know what help would look like. Would it be help getting treatment to get better? I have gone from one extreme (starving or puking) to another (stuffing my face all day) but one is no better than the other (at least I was thin when I was starving/puking). Would help be getting back to a life ever fasting? I can't seem to do it anymore no matter what I try or do.  Would help be puking again? At least then, all of hone shit I'm eating wouldn't stay inside of me. Would it be help dying or killing myself?

I don't know.

I just know I can't live like this anymore.