Cake.

Currently tackling this by myself :( HELP.

Triggering Photo (photo not included)

So, yesterday, my sister sent me a photo of myself when I was under 90 lbs and in treatment with an ng tube. I was very tiny (I was 16 and probably 5'3" bc I wasn't yet done growing and probably about 83 lbs), ng tube sticking out of my nose and rolled behind my ear, smiling and making a heart symbol with my very skinny, veiny hands at my own heart. I look very much like I have an eating disorder in this picture.  It is very obvious that I have an eating disorder. So my sister sent me this photo and with it, she wrote "Mom found this and wanted you to have it. She said it makes her sick to see how thin you once were, but that maybe it will make you feel better about how heavy you've gotten these past weeks. Love you!"

Um, wtf?? Sooooo I look disgusting, but maybe it can be a positive experience for me to look at it bc either A, it's better to be obese than emaciated OR B, maybe I can draw inspiration from it and not be fat anymore.  I'm not sure what my mom's intention was with that comment, but seriously WTF??? 

 NEVER send an eating disordered person who is sort of in recovery or who has just gained a bunch of weight a picture of themself at their absolute thinnest!  Seriously!! Common sense!! That is TRIGGERING!!! It's triggering even without the stupid comments, but even more so with them!! 

My mom is stupid for passing that on and my sister is stupid for actually doing it!

I am so mad and so so sad right now, I can't even type about it.  Now, I have this picture that I can't throw away bc my e.d. is like "keep it for motivation! you can do that again! you can get there again!" but I don't want to have it bc it makes me so so sad bc I'm so huge now and I was so tiny then.... So tiny.  

Just when you think it can't get worse, it goes ahead and gets worse.  People suck.

Fat Prejudice is Real

I went to another job interview yesterday. It was for a file clerk at a dental office in Manhattan. I felt prepared and I wore a nice outfit with nice shoes, everything fit, I looked nice.

When I got there, the woman at the front desk was this beautiful Italian looking woman, when she stood up, she was about my height and about 120 lbs. Perfect.

My interviewer was a tall slender blonde woman, also perfect.  The assistant who asked me a couple of questions was also very thin and beautiful.  In fact, no one in the office could have been over 130 lbs.  and they were all gorgeous.

Let me tell you, they looked at me, up and down, like I was a worthless piece of trash. I swear, their lips curled in disgust as they trailed their eyes over my visible rolls of fat (bc I can't help it! They show!) and even though I looked nice, clean, professional, and confident, all they saw was fat. 

They asked me questions like "do you take pride in your appearance?" "do you believe being healthy is important?" "do you exercise regularly?" Wtf, mostly the last one?? Why does that matter? I didn't apply to work at a gym! And then they thanked me for coming and said they'd call me.

They never even called so I called them and they told me they didn't think I fit in.  I didn't fit in with what? Their perfect, skinny appearance? Was my fat that disgusting? Am I that embarrassing?

Fat prejudice is for real and I felt it yesterday. I wish I could lose so much weight.

10 lbs To Required Inpatient, 15 lbs To Obesity

It seems like not so long ago, I was 10 pounds from a weight that would force me into inpatient treatment and tube feeding. That girl never would have imagined the fate that held her hand just a few years later.

I am now 15 pounds from being classified as open obese person.  I have never been this fat in all of my life. I am almost twice at fat as I needed to be to get tube fed.  I am a beast and a monster and I have no control. 

I veer from one extreme to the next, effortlessly.  I go from starving myself half to death to entering the world of obesity, two extremes, two very different worlds owned by the same demon- E.D.

The girl who was once ten pounds from tube feeding would laugh at this girl. Laugh at her lack of control, her fat body, her lost mind, her weakness. That girl never would have thought, not ever, that this would happen. She would have died before this happened.

Now, she just wants to die.  She wants to stop eating but she can't, ever, even when she tries so hard.  If she can't stop eating, she wants to start puking, but she can't seem to do that right either.  The girl who would rather die than be fat is beyond fat, almost obese now. And she doesn't know what to do to feel ok again.

I hate myself so much. I wish I could die.