Update

In case you've been wondering, I left treatment.

Ok, I got kicked out. 

I got kicked out because I was purging and yelling and fighting and cutting up my arms and "fostering a toxic and triggering environment among patients."  So that's that.

I was living in a hotel for a while. I was jobless and homeless for a while. My mom took me back in for a while (against "bottom line" intervention agreement) and then threw me out when the rest of the family stopped talking to her. 

Since then, I've worked at a laundromat, a gas station, a cafe, and a party store. At separate times, of course.  I've lived in more hotels, in a car, on the street.  I couldn't afford food, I lost weight quickly.  I actually got down to 130! It was amazing to feel actually good about myself again! 

^me at 130.

Currently, I'm renting a bedroom in southwest Virginia from a nice old couple who live on a farm.  I work on the farm to pay my stay and I work at a quick stop convenience store for extra cash to get back on my feet. 

I'm binging and purging on a regular basis. It's not as bad as it's been in the past, but into worse than its been for a while. I spend too much money on binge food.  Sometimes I binge and do not purge...

I've gained weight since my living situation changed. I don't feel comfortable disclosing my weight, but let it be known that the numbers DO put me slightly back in the overweight category.

Obviously, I'm kind of a hot mess.

^ me, now, on the farm with the owners' grandson.

^me, singing karaoke at a bar in the "downtown" scene (which is pretty pathetic in terms of most downtown scenes, but it IS  southwest VA-- think real, actual Hicksville...)

I have no contact with my family. Not my choice. 

I've been trying to contact old friends, but everyone is treating me like I'm the plague... 

I'm alone and lonely and sick and depressed (no $ for my antidepressants). 

This is how I live now.

BINGE BINGE PURGE PURGE

Yeah so this is happening rn.  Big, fat, fucking binge/purge sesh. It includes:

Six golden Oreos, double stuffed

Two petit fours (lemon cake and red velvet cake)

Two nutty bars

Two peanut granola bars 

One sugar cookie

One chocolate chip cookie

Two of meal cookies

Six mini donuts

Three peanut butter cups

One Reese's fastbreak 

One inch slice of pumpkin roll

One mini cupcake, chocolate 

One mini cupcake, vanilla 

And gum for after I purge.

Yay, for ringing in 2015 as a full fledged bulimic!  Not as good as an anorexic, but better than a binge eater.  Mediocrity.  That's how I live my life. 

Here's to 2015.  Hoping it's not as super shirty as 2014, but thinking it will probably be worse! 

NYR: to lose 100 lbs, get to UGW, never be fat again. 

And I Can't Stop.

I can't stop eating. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I literally cannot stop stuffing my face with shitfood. Donuts, cake, cookies, potato chips, buttered bread, butter by itself (I know! Like, wtf???), frozen desserts that I don't even unfreeze before I eat them, crackers with peanut butter, straight icing.... and anything else you can imagine! I CANT STOP!!! I don't know what to do because it's like I'm not even in control!

I have put on almost 20 pounds in the last two weeks, that is how much I am eating. I am to exaggerating AT ALL. I legit stood on the scale today and looked in my weight journal for the last time I weighed-- two weeks ago, and up nearly 20 pounds! Is that even possible????  What the fuck??? 

And, to add to this, why can't i puke anymore? Like, why won't I even try to?? It's like I've become someone I don't know anymore.... Someone weak and stupid and FAT. I can't deal. I hate this person.

I won't exercise either! I used to run seven miles a day! And now I'm too lazy to even walk a mile!  WHO IS THIS PERSON BC IT ISNT ME!!!!!!!  Am I dying? Am I admitting defeat? What the hell is going on with me? I need help....

I don't even know what help would look like. Would it be help getting treatment to get better? I have gone from one extreme (starving or puking) to another (stuffing my face all day) but one is no better than the other (at least I was thin when I was starving/puking). Would help be getting back to a life ever fasting? I can't seem to do it anymore no matter what I try or do.  Would help be puking again? At least then, all of hone shit I'm eating wouldn't stay inside of me. Would it be help dying or killing myself?

I don't know.

I just know I can't live like this anymore.