First I had the planned binge-- 25 snicker doodle cookies (pictured), two chocolate chip, one sugar, and one oatmeal raisin cookie with piles on piles of strawberry icing on each one. Then when that wasn't enough, I hit the unplanned stuff-- 12 dinner rolls heated up with butter smothered over and inside of them, club crackers with massive globs of butter, my roommate's mom's homemade banana and golden raisin nut bread, two loaves-- one with the rest of the strawberry icing and one just smothered in butter. I washed it down with two gallons of Edys ice cream (cheesecake and cake batter) and a bottle of wine.
I'm guessing that's around 12,000 calories.
Why didn't I stop myself after two or three cookies? I was full after about five, so why not then? Why did I have to keep going and going and going?
It was as if I wasn't in control of my actions. Like I was watching myself eat and eat and eat from the sidelines, yelling "no no no!" but still powerless to stop myself. What is wrong with me???? What in gods name ins wrong with me.
Twelve years ago I was 90 lbs.
Ten years ago, I was 110 lbs and happier than ever living in a cool apt in manhattan.
Five years ago I was 125 and thought I was embarrassingly large.
Two years ago I was 140 and knew I was too big, even medically.
Today, I am 162.5 and approaching obesity fast.
Today I was I was 125 or 140, let alone 110 or 90!
Today I hate myself more than ever and I etch it into my skin so that I can look the way I feel.
Today, I wish I was dead.
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