New Me, New Blog.

First, for previous blog posts and to learn about my past struggles with depression, eating disorders, and mental illness, go here: http://porcelain-truth.livejournal.com. I used to be on LJ when everyone else was, but I think it's been like a decade since anyone has used LJ. I guess its time to update my life and my blog.

Second, the past doesn't always stay in the past. I'm still struggling with all of those things. It's different now than it was then, because mental illness is always morphing and changing. I'll summarize my story and why I'm here.

My name is Jackie and I'm about to be 28. Ive lived everywhere from England to NYC to PA to Minnesota to NJ to VA and whatever.  I was for sure the happiest I have ever been when I was living in NYC for college.  I was skinny, I was running everyday, I was living in this swank apartment in midtown, I was working at a restaurant for extra money, I was outgoing and had lots of friends and a family who still spoke to me.  My life has changed a LOT since then.  I've lied cheated, manipulated, and hurt the people closest to me over the past ten years and most of them have turned away from me. I'm kind of alone now. I'm fat, lonely, not outgoing, sad a lot, depressed, etc.  I'm not in love with my life like I was in 2005.  I'm not disclosing where I live currently, but let's just say its a place where I should be happy because it has a lot of similarities to NYC. I'm so not happy.

I'll talk a little about my past. I've had multiple eating disorders from the age of 11. I started as anorexic, but then I started binge eating and gained weight, so I started throwing up and became bulimic.  I was a mix of anorexic and bulimic for most of my life.  I went away to college in the middle of all of this bullshit and it got worse.  I went to treatment when I was 15, 17, 20, and 26.  I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18. 

I'm on medication for it, but it makes me foggy and fat, so sometimes I don't stay on it. Obviously, that's a problem, but for someone who has been struggling with bad body image for 17 years, gaining weight up to a weight higher than average (I'm currently overweight) is terrible and very scary.  

Oh, the other problem is that I binge eat. Like, a lot. And I don't puke anymore so it's just all leading to huge amounts of weight gain. So, add that to the list of my eating disorders. 

I've weighed everything from 80 lbs to 160 lbs and I am 5'4" tall (apparently, my eating disorder caused brittle bones and that made me shrink a whole fucking inch bc I used to be 5'5" fml).  My life is a wreck and I want out. I've attempted suicide a few times, but obviously I wasn't successful. I'm trying to get past that and believe that my life can be good again.  I just need to get skinnier and find cool people to be around, a cool job that I like, and a cool apartment in the city to live in.

I pretty much still want to kill myself every day.

Anyways, this is my life. Welcome to it.  Please follow me! I will follow back!