Where are you on the global fat scale?

Apparently, pretty high.  Go here: http://www.bbc.com/news/health-18770328#G2A30H1.61W51.26C169. You plug in your info like age, sex, height, weight, country, and it tells you where you fall in terms of weight/height in comparrison to the whole world.

Here's a screen cap featuring what it said about me.

Above average.  Yep.  That's about half the list of countries, btw.  It goes down farther but I couldn't cap it all.  So I'm fatter than 65% of people in my country and fatter than 95% of people in the world.  That feels good.  NOT.  

Merry Christmas to me.

Holidays suck for ppl with an ED.

Thanksgiving blows. Like, hard.  I ate so much and couldn't purge bc of all the people around and I just feel like SHIT.  I want to go vegetarian again bc eating meat is horrible and disgusting and inhumane, but it tastes too good, so whatever.  I ate a bunch of dark meat turkey (the unhealthiest kind), about a pound of stuffing (no kidding), cups of cranberries, three bowls of mashed potatoes, corn, beans, five rolls and a slice of buttered bread, pumpkin pie, Apple pie, raisin pie, cherry pie, whipped topping, and ice cream.... I felt like absolute CRAP afterwards and all I wanted to do was purge, but it was impossible.  And next comes Christmas, then comes New Years, and OMG I cannot do this.  Holidays are miserable for people with an ED.  MISERABLE.  

Height: 5'3"

Current weight: 165.6

Goal weight 1:  150

Goal weight 2:  135

Goal weight 3:  120

Goal weight 4:  110

Goal weight 5:  105

Goal weight 6:   99

Goal weight 7:   91

Goal weight 8:   86

Goal weight 9:   82

Goal weight 10: 79

Ultimate goal w: 72

Reason: bc when I was 5'5" I was down to 83 and now that I'm 5'3", 72 would be the equal to 1 lbs less than my lowest weight/height ratio. 

I wonder how long it will take to lose more than half of my body weight.

Obesity, for real.

Well, there is is, all.  I've managed to gain 30 lbs in a month and I'm exactly 5 little pounds from being obese.  I don't even kno how the fuck this happened.  One minute, I was getting close to 135, my first goal, and the next second, I was over 160.  Like, it literally happened like that.  I am fat.  Seriously, clinically, diagnosably FAT.  I am always sweaty and out of breath, I am unfit, unhealthy, unloveable, unloved.  I don't even blame anyone.  Especially ppl here bc they actually saw me balloon up in a matter of DAYS, literally.  How gross it must have been!  It was def gross for me!!

I went to the dr on Friday bc I had a bad pain in my shin that wouldn't go away.  Of course, they check ur BP (160/99, high as fuck), they also did a cholesterol test for some reason (my bad cholesterol is super high), then they did height (5 fuckin' 3 bc I somehow shrunk two fucking inches, wtf????), and weight (164.5, FAT).  BMI 29.1 (for your info, obese starts at 30).

So the doc breaks out one of those height/weight charts and a BMI chart and shoves them in my face.  I'm like, ok.  And he shows me where I am on each chart.  Fat.  Obviously.  He goes into the risks of being overweight, 

Hypertension

Diabetes

Heart problems

Lung problems

Etc

Etc

And THEN, he points to where an obese person my height would be.  Slightly above me.  And goes into THOSE risks.  He looks at me like I'm some kind of wounded animal; sad, sorry, and yet disgusted.  He is, of course, about 5'10 and 180 lbs of muscle and lean.  Probably never struggled with weight a day in his goddamn life.  

So I tell him I used to be half of what I weigh and two inches taller.  Idk why.  It kinda came out.  And he says, you need to find a happy medium.  No shit.  Fuck you.  

He offered to set me up with a counselor and a nutritionist but fuck no, I have no insurance and I can't afford that!! I can't even afford that appointment I went to but I ended up having to go bc the pain was so bad.  So he gave me a stupid food pyramid and some guidelines for eating for healthy weight loss and a pamphlet about good self-talk for positivity.  

Fuuuuuck.

Oh. And it turns out, my shins are just suffering bc I'm a fat load and there's too much weight on them. FML.

Y do guys always always talk ab what color underwear we r wearing and sex?  God damn it.

I may as well give up.

It's 11pm eastern time.  Today I've binged twelve times, purged ten of those times.  I've drank three bottles of wine and I've done a little blow.  Just a little.  Oh. And I hate myself. A lot.  

But I've lost weight.  Not a lot, but a little.  I'm nearing 135, but since I don't work out or tone up, I still look like a huge whale fatt ass.  I need to do something about that.  I really do.  

I fucked a college guy, just because I could.  It wasn't good and he wasn't that cute.  I was high and I didn't care.  Still don't.  He keeps calling me.  It's like, fuck off, we were a one night stand, kid.  

I've tried contacting my favorite cousin and a formerly close friend and neither one of them want anything to do with me.  What do you do when someone won't even give you a chance to prove you can be a different person, that you've changed?  I'm really messed up about it.  I just want them to talk to me.  

I lost my Starbucks job (let's just say they don't approve of employees snatching and binge/purging on their pastries in the bathroom) and cheer coach doesn't pay the bills.  I'm living in someone's closet right now, I'm not even kidding.  I live in a closet.  People do this in NYC, in case you didn't know.  It's weird and stuff, but it happens.  It's happening right now, to me, and I'm paying 650 a month.  To live in a closet. And that's hella cheap for NYC.  I still can't afford it.  It's only a matter of time before I get kicked out of here, too.  Then what?  

I just want to go back to eight years ago.  Everything was good.  Everything was perfect.  Now, life sucks.  And I'm tired of living it.

Tallies

Crescent rolls: 8

Waffles: 10

Sticks of butter: 4

Banana muffins: 2

Fudge covered wafers: 36

Jumbo iced honey buns: 3

Servings of noodles with butter: 4

Caloric total: ?????

This is from 4-5pm, people.

I threw it all up.

Thank you, thank you. ::bows::

Who Doesn't LOVE Donuts!??

Last night, 3am, me and a half dozen donuts. Mmmmmmm!

They are, from the top, left to right, old fashioned, glazed, chocolate sprinkles.  From the bottom, left to right, key lime, boston creme, vanilla sprinkles.  

I binged hard on those babies.  It was totally almost a sexual experience, it was THAT good.  Those of u who have never binged before will have no idea what I'm getting at. But those of u who have, I KNOW u get me ;-)

Then, I purged.  That felt good, too, because GUILT FREE DONUT EATING, BABY!!! :-D

I'll update more later.  With some life stuff.  I gotta go.