Update

In case you've been wondering, I left treatment.

Ok, I got kicked out. 

I got kicked out because I was purging and yelling and fighting and cutting up my arms and "fostering a toxic and triggering environment among patients."  So that's that.

I was living in a hotel for a while. I was jobless and homeless for a while. My mom took me back in for a while (against "bottom line" intervention agreement) and then threw me out when the rest of the family stopped talking to her. 

Since then, I've worked at a laundromat, a gas station, a cafe, and a party store. At separate times, of course.  I've lived in more hotels, in a car, on the street.  I couldn't afford food, I lost weight quickly.  I actually got down to 130! It was amazing to feel actually good about myself again! 

^me at 130.

Currently, I'm renting a bedroom in southwest Virginia from a nice old couple who live on a farm.  I work on the farm to pay my stay and I work at a quick stop convenience store for extra cash to get back on my feet. 

I'm binging and purging on a regular basis. It's not as bad as it's been in the past, but into worse than its been for a while. I spend too much money on binge food.  Sometimes I binge and do not purge...

I've gained weight since my living situation changed. I don't feel comfortable disclosing my weight, but let it be known that the numbers DO put me slightly back in the overweight category.

Obviously, I'm kind of a hot mess.

^ me, now, on the farm with the owners' grandson.

^me, singing karaoke at a bar in the "downtown" scene (which is pretty pathetic in terms of most downtown scenes, but it IS  southwest VA-- think real, actual Hicksville...)

I have no contact with my family. Not my choice. 

I've been trying to contact old friends, but everyone is treating me like I'm the plague... 

I'm alone and lonely and sick and depressed (no $ for my antidepressants). 

This is how I live now.

I'm leaving for a while.

I'm going away.  To treatment.  It's not my choice.  

My mom, who I been living for past couple months, made me promise I'd get well in order to live with her.  Obviously, I didn't, wasn't trying, was b/p multiple times daily, etc.  I got away with it for a while, but she caught purging.  She won a court order to be control of my medical life and is sending me to treatment at Timberline Knolls.  I have no choice.  I have to go.  

I leave tomorrow.  

I have no idea when I'll be back or if I'll be back or what.  So I just wanted to say goodbye.  :( 

What am I even doing here on earth anymore I want to die.

BINGE BINGE PURGE PURGE

Yeah so this is happening rn.  Big, fat, fucking binge/purge sesh. It includes:

Six golden Oreos, double stuffed

Two petit fours (lemon cake and red velvet cake)

Two nutty bars

Two peanut granola bars 

One sugar cookie

One chocolate chip cookie

Two of meal cookies

Six mini donuts

Three peanut butter cups

One Reese's fastbreak 

One inch slice of pumpkin roll

One mini cupcake, chocolate 

One mini cupcake, vanilla 

And gum for after I purge.

Yay, for ringing in 2015 as a full fledged bulimic!  Not as good as an anorexic, but better than a binge eater.  Mediocrity.  That's how I live my life. 

Here's to 2015.  Hoping it's not as super shirty as 2014, but thinking it will probably be worse! 

NYR: to lose 100 lbs, get to UGW, never be fat again. 

Where are you on the global fat scale?

Apparently, pretty high.  Go here: http://www.bbc.com/news/health-18770328#G2A30H1.61W51.26C169. You plug in your info like age, sex, height, weight, country, and it tells you where you fall in terms of weight/height in comparrison to the whole world.

Here's a screen cap featuring what it said about me.

Above average.  Yep.  That's about half the list of countries, btw.  It goes down farther but I couldn't cap it all.  So I'm fatter than 65% of people in my country and fatter than 95% of people in the world.  That feels good.  NOT.  

Merry Christmas to me.

Holidays suck for ppl with an ED.

Thanksgiving blows. Like, hard.  I ate so much and couldn't purge bc of all the people around and I just feel like SHIT.  I want to go vegetarian again bc eating meat is horrible and disgusting and inhumane, but it tastes too good, so whatever.  I ate a bunch of dark meat turkey (the unhealthiest kind), about a pound of stuffing (no kidding), cups of cranberries, three bowls of mashed potatoes, corn, beans, five rolls and a slice of buttered bread, pumpkin pie, Apple pie, raisin pie, cherry pie, whipped topping, and ice cream.... I felt like absolute CRAP afterwards and all I wanted to do was purge, but it was impossible.  And next comes Christmas, then comes New Years, and OMG I cannot do this.  Holidays are miserable for people with an ED.  MISERABLE.  

Height: 5'3"

Current weight: 165.6

Goal weight 1:  150

Goal weight 2:  135

Goal weight 3:  120

Goal weight 4:  110

Goal weight 5:  105

Goal weight 6:   99

Goal weight 7:   91

Goal weight 8:   86

Goal weight 9:   82

Goal weight 10: 79

Ultimate goal w: 72

Reason: bc when I was 5'5" I was down to 83 and now that I'm 5'3", 72 would be the equal to 1 lbs less than my lowest weight/height ratio. 

I wonder how long it will take to lose more than half of my body weight.

Obesity, for real.

Well, there is is, all.  I've managed to gain 30 lbs in a month and I'm exactly 5 little pounds from being obese.  I don't even kno how the fuck this happened.  One minute, I was getting close to 135, my first goal, and the next second, I was over 160.  Like, it literally happened like that.  I am fat.  Seriously, clinically, diagnosably FAT.  I am always sweaty and out of breath, I am unfit, unhealthy, unloveable, unloved.  I don't even blame anyone.  Especially ppl here bc they actually saw me balloon up in a matter of DAYS, literally.  How gross it must have been!  It was def gross for me!!

I went to the dr on Friday bc I had a bad pain in my shin that wouldn't go away.  Of course, they check ur BP (160/99, high as fuck), they also did a cholesterol test for some reason (my bad cholesterol is super high), then they did height (5 fuckin' 3 bc I somehow shrunk two fucking inches, wtf????), and weight (164.5, FAT).  BMI 29.1 (for your info, obese starts at 30).

So the doc breaks out one of those height/weight charts and a BMI chart and shoves them in my face.  I'm like, ok.  And he shows me where I am on each chart.  Fat.  Obviously.  He goes into the risks of being overweight, 

Hypertension

Diabetes

Heart problems

Lung problems

Etc

Etc

And THEN, he points to where an obese person my height would be.  Slightly above me.  And goes into THOSE risks.  He looks at me like I'm some kind of wounded animal; sad, sorry, and yet disgusted.  He is, of course, about 5'10 and 180 lbs of muscle and lean.  Probably never struggled with weight a day in his goddamn life.  

So I tell him I used to be half of what I weigh and two inches taller.  Idk why.  It kinda came out.  And he says, you need to find a happy medium.  No shit.  Fuck you.  

He offered to set me up with a counselor and a nutritionist but fuck no, I have no insurance and I can't afford that!! I can't even afford that appointment I went to but I ended up having to go bc the pain was so bad.  So he gave me a stupid food pyramid and some guidelines for eating for healthy weight loss and a pamphlet about good self-talk for positivity.  

Fuuuuuck.

Oh. And it turns out, my shins are just suffering bc I'm a fat load and there's too much weight on them. FML.