Who Doesn't LOVE Donuts!??

Last night, 3am, me and a half dozen donuts. Mmmmmmm!

They are, from the top, left to right, old fashioned, glazed, chocolate sprinkles.  From the bottom, left to right, key lime, boston creme, vanilla sprinkles.  

I binged hard on those babies.  It was totally almost a sexual experience, it was THAT good.  Those of u who have never binged before will have no idea what I'm getting at. But those of u who have, I KNOW u get me ;-)

Then, I purged.  That felt good, too, because GUILT FREE DONUT EATING, BABY!!! :-D

I'll update more later.  With some life stuff.  I gotta go.

And here I am again.

And I promised I would stop doing this shit.

That's about 5,000 calories for round one.  At least I'm purging again.

July 19, 2014

I simply want to die now.

July 16, 2014

So far today looks like this:

9am, woke up, tried to jog, got winded bc I'm obese, binged on toast and butter, microwave pancakes with powdered sugar, oatmeal raisin cookies, and snickers bars.

12pm, job interview, lunch with an ex-boyfriend, stopped by a local bakery and bought two dozen donuts and cheesecake, binged on that, finally managed to purge (hooray?), took a nap.

3pm, woke up, binged on a box of hashbrowns, a box of oatmeal creme pies, a box of glazed honeybuns, and more snickers bars, managed to purge about 1/2.

5pm, job interview, dinner with old friend from NYU, just got back from buying 1/2 off cake slices (2), pecan rolls, more hashbrowns, biscuits, and Hershey's cookies n cream bars.  Guess I'll start that binge soon.  Hopefully I can purge it though... 

I need to try to jog again... Wasn't even real hot today, it's just that I'm so out of shape.  Can't believe I used to run 7-10 miles a day, everyday... God, I wish I could get that back.

For now, I'm sitting in front of the tv looking at the stash of binge food I just bought, thinking of how insane it is that I have no real job and I'm spending so much money on food... Jesus fucking Christ.  My life is upside down.  Is there even anything I can do about it anymore? 

Help.

Death

I think I'm dying. Like, not in a traditional way. But I think I'm so depressed and so not-caring that I'm just slowly dying.  First, I'm dying inside and then I'm going to die outside.

I recently found old pictures of me.  Mostly pictures of me when I wasn't in the low-lows of my eating disorders, but when I was definitely still IN them.  I was maybe 110 lbs (I was 5'5" back then) and I was smiling and happy, slim and confident.  These were from maybe the years 2002 to 2006.  I remember being happy.  

It's gotten me so depressed tho.  Like, why can't I get back there? Why can't I at least eat healthily, lose just a little weight, get a regular job, pay my bills, have a few good friends to talk to.... Why?? I've tried contacting an old friend from this time, a guy I talked to online and lied to, and who was maybe my best friend, and I've tried contacting my cousin, who I lied to, stole pictures and life stories, college essays and experiences from and pretended they were my own... I've tried apologizing to them both so many times... They just can't accept my apology.  Mostly, they don't even reply.  I know I hurt them both, but it's been like five years... Can't I be forgiven? Can't I be friends with them again and have close friends to talk to and laugh with? Why can't I have them in my life again?  Why can't they let me in?  

I've tried getting jobs, but everything is a dead end and I never hear from these places again.  I've applied for admin assistant positions at dental offices, daycare centers, doctors offices, social services, lawyers offices, and more!  I am holding down a barista right now and I coach a cheerleading team during the school year, but in NYC, these don't pay the bills.  I need a real, honest to god, business like job.  No one will take me.

I live in a small one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, complete with bars on the windows and the occasional gunshot heard at night, with a roommate.  I sleep on the pull out couch and she sleeps in the bedroom.  We share a bathroom and a small kitchen, no dining room.  The apartment is small, dark, dirty in a way that cannot be cleaned, but the rent is outrages simply bc it's NYC.  We really need to take on another roommate, but we don't have room.  Where would he/she sleep?  In the bath tub?  I miss my old NYC apartment.  Midtown Manhattan, one bedroom, one bath, a living room, full kitchen, dining area, large floor to ceiling windows, clean, beautiful, large ...all to myself.  It was safe and beautiful.  It was professionally decorated and bright and happy.  I was happy.  Now I'm depressed.  How can I be happy in this dank apartment in the projects where I don't even have a real bedroom?  

I'm planning a binge today.  I have two job interviews (one at a college and another at a gym) and then I'm stopping by the convenience store to buy some biscuits and butter, some chocolate snack cakes, a couple of chocolate bars, some sugarcookies and vanilla icing, and some waffles or pancakes.  Then I'll eat all of it in one fell swoop.  

Then, I'm going to try to purge today.  

I've got to get SOMETHING back.  It's not going to be the starving, it's not going to be the friends, it's not going to be the job, it's not going to be the apartment.  Maybe it can be the puking.  Maybe then I'll have something.

Something Different

Well, I decided that I should post something different Than just the large and disgusting quantities of food I binge eat. I like reading other things on people's blogs and would get sick of ONLY binge pixs, so I should do something different, too, for the two or so people who actually read this mess.

Well, I had a terrible stomach ache, dizziness, and headache yesterday and this morning I had to go to the doctor.  I found out that I am 5'3.75" (why the hell do I keep shrinking???) and I weigh almost 170 lbs.  That was a tough pill to swallow.  Prior to this ridiculous weight gain, my high weight was 135-140.  This is a huge difference.... I'm not even sure what to do.  Do I cry? That's pointless.  Do I kick and scream? What's the going to do anyway?  Do I blame my mother for not loving me enough? That's really not going to fix anything.  Do I blame my father for not being around? Pointless, too.  Kill myself? Maybe.

But clearly, I am unable to get passed this on my own.  Want to know what I really wanted to do?  I wanted to come home and stuff my face with every sweet thing in the apartment, every buttery morsel in the house, every single thing I wanted and more.  That's what I wanted to do.  

Uh.  Clearly, THAT is not going to fix me!  I want to get skinnier, not fatter.

I was so embarrassed standing there on the scale while the numbers read 167.8.  A red flashing warning.  FAT!  FAT!  FAT!  And the nurse there, with my comprehensive files that have traveled with me, specifying that I have suffered anorexia-bulimia and have been severely underweight and significantly malnourished, and that I am a high risk patient who may well starve or barf herself to death.  And she's looking at someone who is about 40 lbs overweight surely thinking, "do I have the wrong file?"  

No, honey, you're right.  That's me.  From 0-1,000 in no time flat, self-destructing in every way possible, I've got to try them all.  Starve to death, puke to death, cut to death, eat to death... I guess I can't decide.  But no.  That file IS me.  5'5" 84 lbs to 5'3.75" 168 lbs.... That's me.

The doctor asked me if I used to be anorexic. He said he read it in my file and and just wanted to double check.  He said, "I see you've gotten over that."  Yeah.  I guess I have.  The implication was pretty clear there.

He warned me about my weight and reminded me that while being underweight is dangerous, so is being overweight, and "it isn't healthy to swap one extreme for another."  I could have died.  He asked me what my diet is like and I told him basically what I eat when I'm not binging.  I added that I "sometimes overeat."  I know I should have told the whole truth, but I was just so embarrassed. God.  It was awful...

He told me he would like to see me about fifteen pounds thinner.  I'd like to see me fifty pounds thinner.  But the numbers just keep going up.  I bet he will see me fifteen pounds fatter the next time... 

I'm so scared.  I don't like what's happening to me or how depressed I am or how much I want to die. And I have no one.  No one to talk to, no one to care, no one to go to... I literally have no one.  I want to lose weight so badly, but why can't I?  Why do I sabotage myself and lie to myself and get weak under pressure?  Why isn't this easier?  It was easier ten years ago.  

I've let myself go and I really feel like there's no getting it back.... I'm terrified.

Dollar Store Binge!

Today's binge is brought to you by the Dollar Store.  Let's have a look, shall we? 

Hostess cakes, fake golden oreos, fake samoa girls cout cookies, plus lots of bread and butter first (as a main course, not pictured).

Fuck.

My.

Life.

I.

Suck.