Life Update

It's been a long ass time!  I have a lot to update about. It's been over a year since I wrote!  Let's start with stats.

Height: (this one is a doozy cuz I have shrunk) 5'2"
Current Weight: 142.3
High Weight: 165, I think
Low Weight: 83 way back in the day

Short Term Goal: 135
Short Term Goal: 120
Long Term Goal: 110

Ultimate Goal: 100?

I am currently living in Florida with the family of an ex boyfriend who passed away.  I better ,elaborate on that.

Shortly after I made my last post, I got heavy back into drugs.  Hard core stuff like heroin and coke and ecstasy and intravenous stuff.  So I did that for a while and I actually lost a lot of weight like that without really trying.  I was down to 125 again.  But anyway, the big thing is that I got pregnant :/

And then my bf died from an overdose.  We had just found out so you can speculate about that just like I have been.  Anyway, he was estranged from his very religious, very strict, very Christian conservative family.  I was alone, strung out, out of money, and pregnant.  They offered to take me in in return for my getting sober.  They said they would pay for EVERYTHING.  Treatment AND aftercare, which can cost literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.  This was as long as I had the baby and kept it.  They would also watch the baby while I worked.  I would stay at their house rent free as long as I lived by their rules.

I had my son, Caden Micheal, on December 15.  I've been sober since I found out I was pregnant.

I wish I could say Caden changed my life and made me rethink my drug use and eating disorder.  That would be a lie.  I AM sober from drugs and alcohol cuz otherwise I'll be out on the street.  But I hate being a mom and I hate being trapped in this ludicrous house and working a dead end Walmart job.  I'm 30 years old and I feel like I'm 15.  It's awful.

But I'm getting the best alcohol/drug abuse treatment available on the planet and that will all go away if I leave.  So I stay.  I take good care of my son and I DO love him.  It's hard to explain.

I never had a childhood and I don't know how to give someone else a good one.  There are a lot of things in my life I would redo, but if I'm being honest, not all them are good.

- I'd get skinny again.  I want to lose 70-80 lbs.  I could do it, I know how.  But I can't risk it.
- I'd shoot up in a second if I could.  I miss being high.
- I'd go back to NYU and graduate.
- I'd make up with my cousin who I pissed off and risked our relationship.
- I'd go back to the times when I was skinny and happy and loved my life.

I had an enviable life, you know.  I lived in my own apartment in NYC; Manhattan. MIDTOWN, for Christ sake.  It was mine and it was huge and top floor and amazing.  I was going to NYU and had the opportunity to get one of the best educations available in the USA, but I flunked out and didn't have enough money to live in the city.  My parents cut me off Bc I wasn't going to school.

I was also in DEEP with my eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia.  I was back down to about 100 lbs and struggling big time.  I went to treatment, which my aunt and uncle paid for, completely.  They are amazing people and I messed things up with them too.

That was the end of my enviable life (you can read more about it in past journal entries, but if anyone is SERIOUSLY interested, you can reply and ask me to post more).  I've been messing up ever since.

So anyway, how I live now is closely watched and monitored by a family that isn't mine.  It's weird.  I'm working but it's min wage and horrible.  I'm taking care of my son.

I started throwing up again at the beginning of summer and I don't think the family noticed u til earlier this month.  They noticed because so much food was going missing... They know it's me, I'm pretty sure, but they don't know exactly what I do with it.  They know nothing about my eating disorders.

So I'm throwing up again.  It would be easier to just starve Bc then no one would notice u til I got super thin.  Food wouldn't be disappearing.  I wouldn't be in the bathroom with "stomach problems" for hours.  But for whatever reason, my chaos choose bulimia.  It's not forever.  It's just for now, u til I can get a grip.  Then I'll stop eating for a while.

I think that's all for now. Maybe I'll post a photo or two later.  Another time.  For now adios!

xoxo JB

E.D. Updates

OK, so as you know, I'm out of treatment, away from friends and family (not my choice), and therefore, due to lack of support, free to sink to the depths of my eating disorders.  

After losing a bunch of weight while I was homeless, I'm back to being a fatty. I'm becoming more of a compulsive binge eater than anything else, which freaks me the fuck out.  Like, seriously.  I've never been in a position where I just could NOT physically purge after a binge.  That's where I am like all the time now.  

This morning I ate a pancakes with the old folks, then I snuck out to the convenience store and bought a dozen donuts and a bag of chocolate candies for way cheap and ate those, only to find that I was completely unable to puke.  So.. That's like 6,000 calories that I can't get rid of.  Yay. 

I could lie to myself and say I won't eat for the rest of the day, but I know I will, even though I literally just ate THREE days worth of food and it's not even 10am.  

I have to go to work, but I'll write more later.

How I Live Now, Bedroom Orgasm Edition.

Okie. 

So I'm gonna show you where I'm living now! I have picturessss!!! So the first thing u need to know is that the farmhouse is REALLY small and so my bedroom is REALLY REALLY REALLY small. It literally almost cannot fit a bed. So I've been researching good ways to decorate small one window bedrooms to make them look cute and stylish.  

So I will show u these pictures I researched and I'll show you my actual room.  

But first, I'll show you my ideal bedroom. 

This is the MONEY bedroom for me. The painted white brick wall, the clean white bed sheets, the bed next to the window, OMG ORGASM! I want to live here. Like NOW. 

THIS reminds me of when I lived in NYC. I wish I could transform my current bedroom into this! But seriously, NO. There's SOME potential in this room, but not that much! 

On to reality.

This is my granny-style bedroom:

WHOA, right?? Keep in mind, it was decorated by a 78 year old woman, so it suits her style perfectly.

Not mine. 

Anyway, the old folks said I'm free to change anything I want and they actually used the word "update" and since they hope I'll stay, they really r encouraging me to make this room mine. They even said they'd pay for some of it!

So I started looking for some ideas. I only really chose bedrooms that are laid out sort of like this one, bc that only made good sense to me. Why choose an inspiration that's near impossible, right?? So here are some of the ideas I found: 

Any of them would be a big change, right?? Well... Which one do you like??? I want to get started soon bc I'm tired of living in a dreary granny room! But I don't know which room to choose! They are all so perfect!!!! Which do you think?? I'm so excited!!! :D help help!! :) :) :) :) :) 

Update

In case you've been wondering, I left treatment.

Ok, I got kicked out. 

I got kicked out because I was purging and yelling and fighting and cutting up my arms and "fostering a toxic and triggering environment among patients."  So that's that.

I was living in a hotel for a while. I was jobless and homeless for a while. My mom took me back in for a while (against "bottom line" intervention agreement) and then threw me out when the rest of the family stopped talking to her. 

Since then, I've worked at a laundromat, a gas station, a cafe, and a party store. At separate times, of course.  I've lived in more hotels, in a car, on the street.  I couldn't afford food, I lost weight quickly.  I actually got down to 130! It was amazing to feel actually good about myself again! 

^me at 130.

Currently, I'm renting a bedroom in southwest Virginia from a nice old couple who live on a farm.  I work on the farm to pay my stay and I work at a quick stop convenience store for extra cash to get back on my feet. 

I'm binging and purging on a regular basis. It's not as bad as it's been in the past, but into worse than its been for a while. I spend too much money on binge food.  Sometimes I binge and do not purge...

I've gained weight since my living situation changed. I don't feel comfortable disclosing my weight, but let it be known that the numbers DO put me slightly back in the overweight category.

Obviously, I'm kind of a hot mess.

^ me, now, on the farm with the owners' grandson.

^me, singing karaoke at a bar in the "downtown" scene (which is pretty pathetic in terms of most downtown scenes, but it IS  southwest VA-- think real, actual Hicksville...)

I have no contact with my family. Not my choice. 

I've been trying to contact old friends, but everyone is treating me like I'm the plague... 

I'm alone and lonely and sick and depressed (no $ for my antidepressants). 

This is how I live now.

I'm leaving for a while.

I'm going away.  To treatment.  It's not my choice.  

My mom, who I been living for past couple months, made me promise I'd get well in order to live with her.  Obviously, I didn't, wasn't trying, was b/p multiple times daily, etc.  I got away with it for a while, but she caught purging.  She won a court order to be control of my medical life and is sending me to treatment at Timberline Knolls.  I have no choice.  I have to go.  

I leave tomorrow.  

I have no idea when I'll be back or if I'll be back or what.  So I just wanted to say goodbye.  :( 

What am I even doing here on earth anymore I want to die.

BINGE BINGE PURGE PURGE

Yeah so this is happening rn.  Big, fat, fucking binge/purge sesh. It includes:

Six golden Oreos, double stuffed

Two petit fours (lemon cake and red velvet cake)

Two nutty bars

Two peanut granola bars 

One sugar cookie

One chocolate chip cookie

Two of meal cookies

Six mini donuts

Three peanut butter cups

One Reese's fastbreak 

One inch slice of pumpkin roll

One mini cupcake, chocolate 

One mini cupcake, vanilla 

And gum for after I purge.

Yay, for ringing in 2015 as a full fledged bulimic!  Not as good as an anorexic, but better than a binge eater.  Mediocrity.  That's how I live my life. 

Here's to 2015.  Hoping it's not as super shirty as 2014, but thinking it will probably be worse! 

NYR: to lose 100 lbs, get to UGW, never be fat again.