Holidays suck for ppl with an ED.

Thanksgiving blows. Like, hard.  I ate so much and couldn't purge bc of all the people around and I just feel like SHIT.  I want to go vegetarian again bc eating meat is horrible and disgusting and inhumane, but it tastes too good, so whatever.  I ate a bunch of dark meat turkey (the unhealthiest kind), about a pound of stuffing (no kidding), cups of cranberries, three bowls of mashed potatoes, corn, beans, five rolls and a slice of buttered bread, pumpkin pie, Apple pie, raisin pie, cherry pie, whipped topping, and ice cream.... I felt like absolute CRAP afterwards and all I wanted to do was purge, but it was impossible.  And next comes Christmas, then comes New Years, and OMG I cannot do this.  Holidays are miserable for people with an ED.  MISERABLE.  

Height: 5'3"

Current weight: 165.6

Goal weight 1:  150

Goal weight 2:  135

Goal weight 3:  120

Goal weight 4:  110

Goal weight 5:  105

Goal weight 6:   99

Goal weight 7:   91

Goal weight 8:   86

Goal weight 9:   82

Goal weight 10: 79

Ultimate goal w: 72

Reason: bc when I was 5'5" I was down to 83 and now that I'm 5'3", 72 would be the equal to 1 lbs less than my lowest weight/height ratio. 

I wonder how long it will take to lose more than half of my body weight.

Obesity, for real.

Well, there is is, all.  I've managed to gain 30 lbs in a month and I'm exactly 5 little pounds from being obese.  I don't even kno how the fuck this happened.  One minute, I was getting close to 135, my first goal, and the next second, I was over 160.  Like, it literally happened like that.  I am fat.  Seriously, clinically, diagnosably FAT.  I am always sweaty and out of breath, I am unfit, unhealthy, unloveable, unloved.  I don't even blame anyone.  Especially ppl here bc they actually saw me balloon up in a matter of DAYS, literally.  How gross it must have been!  It was def gross for me!!

I went to the dr on Friday bc I had a bad pain in my shin that wouldn't go away.  Of course, they check ur BP (160/99, high as fuck), they also did a cholesterol test for some reason (my bad cholesterol is super high), then they did height (5 fuckin' 3 bc I somehow shrunk two fucking inches, wtf????), and weight (164.5, FAT).  BMI 29.1 (for your info, obese starts at 30).

So the doc breaks out one of those height/weight charts and a BMI chart and shoves them in my face.  I'm like, ok.  And he shows me where I am on each chart.  Fat.  Obviously.  He goes into the risks of being overweight, 

Hypertension

Diabetes

Heart problems

Lung problems

Etc

Etc

And THEN, he points to where an obese person my height would be.  Slightly above me.  And goes into THOSE risks.  He looks at me like I'm some kind of wounded animal; sad, sorry, and yet disgusted.  He is, of course, about 5'10 and 180 lbs of muscle and lean.  Probably never struggled with weight a day in his goddamn life.  

So I tell him I used to be half of what I weigh and two inches taller.  Idk why.  It kinda came out.  And he says, you need to find a happy medium.  No shit.  Fuck you.  

He offered to set me up with a counselor and a nutritionist but fuck no, I have no insurance and I can't afford that!! I can't even afford that appointment I went to but I ended up having to go bc the pain was so bad.  So he gave me a stupid food pyramid and some guidelines for eating for healthy weight loss and a pamphlet about good self-talk for positivity.  

Fuuuuuck.

Oh. And it turns out, my shins are just suffering bc I'm a fat load and there's too much weight on them. FML.